Valentines Schmalentines....

Ahhhh, Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is the one day a year that can either make you or break you. Especially for women. Actually, young women I think have it the hardest. It's somehow been put in our heads over the years that on this day, and this day alone, we need some man to pay attention to us and validate our existence. I live by this rule every day however. I don't care who it is or what you do in the world, if you have junk that doesn't look like mine, I want your attention. That is just how I roll.
It started in grade school when you would tape a paper bag to the chalk board and the classmates would go around dropping Valentines Day cards in them that had Garfield making a smarmy remark to Odie about his eating habits, or Cathy expelling a particularly exasperated "Ack" when she realizes that she gave the wrong Valentines Day card to her boss and not the man she was interested in in the office. These cards would always have the To: and From: filled out and not much else. Still having the most cards in your bag meant that you were worthy and desired. Of course it didn't hold the same water that it does as an adult, but it meant that you had something that other people found attractive. Luckily now I can rely on my sweet rack to make me attractive to others and I can toss that ole' ridiculous, useless personality out the window, and thank God because I'm exhausted.

I remember when I was in the 3rd grade and attending Pioneer Montessori school in Santa Clara, California. Pioneer was a really strange learning environment, mainly because we called all the teachers by their first names and were basically given a choice as to what we wanted to learn (hence me never learning how to do math, THEN proving that you don't need math to survive in the real world. Ha! Suck on that. I'm getting off the subject). In the 3rd grade for a very short amount of time I had a boyfriend, whose name I think was Darren. He was cute, with spiky brown hair and a little gap in his teeth. He asked me to "go around" one day out where the tan bark was, so I was in for the long haul. When I make a commitment, I MAKE a commitment, you know what I mean? I think you do. Anyway, Valentines Day was rolling around, and at the tender age of 8 I knew how important a first Valentines Day gift is in a new relationship. I mean, you don't want to come on too strong, but you certainly don't want to miss the opportunity to get your feelings out there.

My Mom and I went to the Valley Fair mall so that I could pick out the perfect Valentines Day gift for my paramour. It was nerve racking! We went from store to store to store and nothing seemed right! Finally we walked in a Hallmark shop, and my eyes immediately came to the perfect present. It was a trophy, like one you would win at the Oscars. The trophy had a little man on it holding a heart with the word "Stud" on it, and the name plate on the bottom read "Worlds Best Boyfriend" in bold letters. This was it. It was simple, yet poetic.
"Here it is Mom". My Mom looked at it for a minute, and sort of rolled her eyes. "No" she said, "you can't get something that says "stud" on it for an 8 year old boy Amy".
"Mom, he's more than a boy and he is a stud. He'll love it."
My Mom started to protest a little bit, but it seemed like a battle she could skip over for the day, so she reluctantly went to the front and paid for it. It was perfect, I thought.
The next day in class I anxiously waited for the bags to be taped to the front so the fun could begin. Darren sat behind me and I turned around to catch his eye to give him the "sexy" look I had learned from some movie my parents were watching. He was too busy gluing his hands together so his friends could laugh to catch my subtle glance. He's so funny and charming, I thought. Finally the teacher, Peggy, announced that it was time to start passing out Valentines Day cards, and I flew up to fill the bags as fast as possible(while mentally noting how many were being put in my bag at the same time) so that I would have ample time to give my gift to Darren privately. He was still filling out his cards, which isn't easy to do with your index and middle finger glued together, so I sat down at the desk next to him.
'Hey Darren, Happy Valentines Day"
"Hey. Thanks". he said, not really looking up from his task.
"So, since this is our first one together, I wanted to give you something that really commemorates our time together and how much I have enjoyed spending it with you."
"Ummmmm, okay." he said, still not taking his eyes away from his desk
"So, anyway, here you go! I think you're gonna love it!" I said gleefully.
I plunked down the oddly wrapped statue and stared lovingly into his face. Well, the side of his face since he was still really focusing on filling out his name on the From: part of his cards.
"Well! Open it!"
"Oh, yeah, okay".
He took his webbed fingers and ripped the paper off of the statue. He awkwardly held it up and out loud read "Stud, Worlds Best Boyfriend".
I was grinning ear to ear. Surely this was the best and least desperate Valentines gift in history, and I was certain in return he would give me something even more sentimental.
"Yeah! Do you love it?! So, do you have my gift?"
"Oh, um, yeah. Here you go" he said and lifted up the top of his desk. He fished out a card and handed it to me.
"Great. Thank you so much Darren. Or should I call you "The Worlds Best Boyfriend?" I giggled and tried to wink, but I wasn't good at winking yet so it was more of a very deliberate blink.
"Uh, okay". he said, now looking at me, but dully.
I ripped open the card from the sweetest boyfriend in the world. For a second I didn't read it because I wanted to be prepared for the outpouring of emotion I was certain to take in in the next few minutes and I didn't want to cry from all the love I was about to feel.
I took a deep breath, and looked at the card.
On the front was a Care Bear with a heart in the middle of it's chest. The words 'Have A Beary Happy Valentines Day' in red script were across the front. I smiled. Here it comes, I thought. I opened the tiny 3 by 3 inch piece of paper and on the inside it read:
To:Amy
From: Darren
I flipped the card over to see if maybe he had written something on the back because he didn't want to be cheesy, but the only thing on the back were the words American Greetings in small black type.
This must be some kind of mistake. It's Valentines Day for God's sake! The single most romantic day of year! It simply can't be summed up with a Care Bears Valentines Day card with only the to and from filled out.
"Wow Darren, thanks. So, um is this all you have for me?" I smiled but it was strained.
"Yeah. Happy Valentines Day. Hey Nick! Check it out, I pulled my fingers apart and it looks like my skin is falling off!" And with that, he was out of his desk, leaving me and the trophy behind.
I sat there for several minutes stunned. Could this really be the climax of my Valentines Day? Really? That was it?!!! Where were the flowers and tennis bracelets from the commercials? Where were the tears of joy and running in slow motion I was promised, hmmmm?!!! This is bullshit, I thought.
The next day after tossing and turning all night, I decided that I simply couldn't have a boyfriend who was as emotionally distant as Darren was. Yes, he may be a pretty face, but I deserved better.
The first snack time of the day had rolled around, and I went over to the side of the lot where Darren and his friends were chucking pine cones at the graves in the cemetery behind us. I wanted to make a clean break, and even though he would be hurt, it was better to end it now, before he really fell in love with me and it was too deep to break away.
As I got closer, his friends saw me, and huddled around Darren so that he was surrounded and I couldn't see him.
"Hey fellas. Can I talk to Darren for a second? Alone." I said this in my most serious voice. Again, something I had learned from a movie.
"Hey Amy. Darren wanted to let you know that he is breaking up with you. And he wanted to give you this back." They tossed the trophy at me, which was a little banged up and had remnants of glue on it.
"What are you talking about? Darren?" I cried. Darren was still hidden behind his friends, but I saw a pine cone zip out from behind the wall of 8 year old boys and hit the chain link fence just before the limit of the graveyard chipping off as it banged into the thin metal.
"Darren says you're weird and isn't ready for a relationship right now. So bye." The boys turned in on themselves for a few minutes to go over what was just done privately, occasionally turning out of the circle and back at me to make sure I was gone so that they could continue desecrating the site of where the dead lay.
I was shocked! And for a second I just stood there feeling like my legs were made of cement. How could this have happened? I was on my way to break up with him, all prepared for pleading and maybe the elusive man tears that only happened in the soap operas that my Grammers watched, because I hadn't seen my Dad cry at that point in my life. This was all wrong.
Finally I turned around and walked back towards where the swings were. Each step was a test to my budding self worth. I sat down on the swings, and contemplated what had just happened. To be so sure of something and to have it change in the matter of moments was a new thing to me, and I vowed to never be taken by surprise like that again. At least not until I turned 9, which is practically a woman, and would be free to date men in the 5th and 6th grade who were sure to have a firm grasp of their feelings and be able to talk about them like adults. That thought made me smile and I began to pump my legs on the swing, soaring higher and higher in my new resolve.
Valentines, Schmalentines, I thought.