How mature am I?!

Hi there,

Seriously, I am getting super mature! This isn't just a guess, I have proof.

So today I went to the doctor. No, nothing is wrong, I didn't catch something from a monkey in India. It was my yearly check up, in which I have to have blood drawn.
(Side note on that: I went to lunch today right after my appointment, and I had the band-aid on my arm where the blood was taken. I put my coat over my chair and walked to the bathroom. The kitchen is right in front of the bathroom stalls, which are two separate, single rooms. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted someone in the kitchen and turned my head towards them. In a matter of seconds the cook who caught my eye looked at me, down to the band-aid on my arm, then back at me, and tilted his head to the side with a weird smile, which just proves what Common was saying that WHOLE time with his ads on the subway: knowing IS sexy. This guy probably thought I was some loose chick who was getting her monthly shake-down before she hit the streets again. Not me buddy. Not anymore).

I hate going to the doctor, which, fortunately, I don't have to do very often. I just have to go once a year to get my thyroid checked. I have a SUPER sexy thyroid thing called Hashimoto's disease, which totally sounds like I have a giant mole shaped like a Sumo wrestler that comes to life during a full moon to kill and eat cats before going back into hiding for another 28 days.Ugh, I wish! That would be awesome! Hashimoto's isn't that fun, it just means my thyroid has a hard time making enough thyroxine on it's own, so I need to take pills everyday for the rest of my life. Sounds like a pain in the tush, but it's not a big deal at all. However I do need to get it checked every year because my thyroid is a total biatch and gets out of whack really easily. The reason why I hate going to the doctor even once a year is because I'm a Jew. Jews love, love, love to create diseases in which they will die an untimely death, and I am no exception. On more that a million occasions I have convinced myself that I have cancer, diabetes, rabies. I once cried in my room for an hour and a half after watching some MTV special on that strain of chlamydia that is resistant to most antibiotics. Why? Who knows. I've been with the same man for 6 years, and unless he's an undercover ho, then I have no worries.

So I put off going to the doctor at all costs, and so far I've been fairly successful and healthy. I think my robust health comes from my Grams, who died in her late 80's, and within those many years drank and smoked herself into delightfulness. Plus she has skin like a 4 year old, so I'm not slighting any of her methods.

Today was a good visit(well I think, I still have to get my blood results back! God I hope I don't have the shingles!) so I took myself out to lunch right after. I was starved having to fast the whole morning. Funny, since I always try to not eat normally, but when I'm told I can't, I'm ravenous! I'm an asshole like that. Since it's my day off I decided I would have a glass of champagne and some fried calamari. If you know me, you know that I love to have a glass of something during daylight hours. Drinking during the day is the best! Not because I have a drinking problem Dad, no it's because I like to go to bed very early, so if I'm going to drink then I prefer to do it early, like 1:00 in the afternoon, so I can be in bed at 9:00 like normal. Plus being drunk during the day time means that I get to make my Kim Kardashian faces in the natural light, which any fashionista will tell you, is the most honest, yet forgiving. Anyway, my champagne, fried food lunch was fantastic! I then grappled between heading to the Strawberry on 86th or head to the CVS to fill my prescriptions. I decided on the latter because frankly I didn't need another sweat suit that said "Phatty" on the back of the pants like the one I got last time I went champagne shopping, and I thought that maybe a nap might be in my immediate future. I get to the pharmacy and the technician told me it would be a 15 minute wait, so I have some time to look around. I LOVE the drug store! I love buying crap I don't need! It wouldn't be strange for me to have a glass of wine and buy $100 dollars worth of nail products, because I've done that. And you were probably with me.

I was overstimulated with everything from wrinkle jelly, to hair softener, to lip plumper, to extra strength lip plumper, to nail growing solution, to anti-fungal oil(you never know, this is New York) to barrettes that had ducks on them. I immediately picked up the wrinkle jelly, because my doctor has opened a side business within her office due to the terrible state of medical care in this country. She is doing Botox and Laser Hair removal in addition to being an internist. Every time I go there she tells me the benefits of laser hair removal, and I wrestle between being insulted and intrigued, but I always smile and think that it's a stupid waste of money. I gave up Brazillian waxes a couple of years ago when I decided that if I were my pubic hair and I got ripped out at the roots every 3 weeks, that I would pick up the hint that I was not welcome there. My pubic hair is about as smart as, well, a box of pubic hair. Also I don't think you should have to drink 3 martini's to make yourself do anything, except for sex of course, because that's disgusting.

The Botox is a new thing for her, and I have to admit, I WILL be getting Botox when the time is right, without a doubt. I am definitely the type of person who gets Botox, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I plan on looking 9 when I am 90, so you can suck it with your big ole judgey face! Anyhoo, I ceremoniously picked up the wrinkle stuff, the lip plumper, and then spent 7 minutes trying to find out what shade disappeared against the inside of my wrist so that I could find out what my "Perfect Shade" was for Loreal,Perfect Shade Foundation for women over 40, when suddenly it hit me: I don't really NEED this wrinkle stuff, I'm not even 30 yet, and I stay out of the sun. I don't really NEED this lip plumper stuff, I've tried it all before and it doesn't really work, plus having a juicy set of DSL's doesn't get you as far as it once did. I don't really NEED this fungal cream, I don't have a fungus that you can even see with the naked eye. Then an amazing thought came into my head-Oh my God, am I....maturing?!! Is this what it means to be an adult, to give a second thought to buying nail polish that reflects light? Wow. This is a new thing for me, and I think I....may...be okay with it. I went to the pharmacy counter after the 15 minutes with nothing else in my hands expect for my new found grown-upness, very pleased with myself and my strength.

Now if only I could learn to cook, clean and like kids, I would be almost a woman!