I recently celebrated my 7 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Yup, 7 years. For the most part they've been good years. And we did take a break in the middle, but I still consider those months as part of the 7 years.
So, ofcourse, because all humans think they all need to behave the same way and do all the same things, I was asked, after telling someone I was going on 7 years, why I wasn't engaged. My first respone, "Well, I'm just not that kind of girl!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Right? Am I right?!"
Okay, see, that's not okay. It's not true, and it's not okay. I may be that kind of girl, I just haven't expressed it yet. I mean, yes, the idea of actually planning a wedding seems about as fun as hiding in an attic to avoid the Nazis. And picking out a wedding dress, flowers, mood music, guests, napkins, plates, fish and locations is the thing I want to do right before I get my clitoris pierced and show my dad. They sound equally as fun.
One of my favorite questions I've gotten lately was:
"When is he going to shit or get off the pot?"
Really? That's such a scripted question, first of all, and secondly, that's a very aggressive sentence for something that's supposed to be a beautiful expression between two people. And let's take a moment to break that question down. Shit or get off the pot? Do people do that? Does that refer to someone who is really indecisive and is never sure if they have to have a bowel movement, but they like to give themselves a fair shot, so that get into the bathroom line at Starbucks, and sit and sit, until people are banging on the door, screaming, "Shit, or get off the pot!!"
Frankly, I don't want that question to affect my marital status at all. I don't want my boyfriend to hear this statement, go into immediate panic mode, which will lead to me coming home after a long day pouding the pavement. The lights are off, but a candle is flickering, there are rose petals spread around, a bottle of champagne on the table, he's in a suit, down on one knee and he says.
"Amy, I was recently presented with two choices. To either shit, or get off the pot. I have chosen the former, to shit. I want to shit with you for the rest of my life!" Ewwww.
Anyway,the point is, do I need to be subjected to the judgement that comes along with that question? No! Plus, why the f do you all care? I mean, do I show signs that I need someone to take care of me? When my BF calls, is his ring tone the wedding march, followed by someone crying? No. Do I dress up like a bride every Halloween and instead of trick or treating, I just assign you to my wedding party? No! Does the Japanese character tattoo I have on my butt actually mean "I do"? No. Well, I hope it doesn't. Honestly I was 18 when I got it and into taking E, so it's anybody's guess.
Maybe I need to start taking matters into my own hands? Because it's usually the married people who always ask me these questions, not the single people(who just may not ask because they're too sleepy from all the Zoloft they're on due to not being married themselves).
Maybe the next time a married person asks me why, after all this time, I'm not engaged, I can simply say:
"Hmm, that's a good question.I'll think about that. How about you? Are you EVER going to have a baby? Wow! When is he gonna knock you up or get off the pot? Why are you getting so upset? Oh, is it because you're baren? Yeah."
That seems like a good solution. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel better. Phew!
All I want to do now is get into my fort made out of Modern Bride and finish this uneaten wedding cake I took out of the dumpster of the local church. Later!
