Weird LA.

I googled "weird people in LA" and clicked on the images. These are a few things that came up.

I mean, sure. But let's analyze this whole thing. This is a mug shot and he has dolphins tattooed on his eyebrows. Doesn't exactly scream "Hey, DON"T take a shot at my balloon knot in the shower!"

So maybe it's the whole hermaphrodite thing that got Jamie Lee Curtis in this category on google. But I think it's the fact that she did a movie with Lindsey Lohan and DIDN'T call the whole Liz and Dick thing then! I mean, obvies, right?!?!

Look, I've lived in LA for at least 48 hours and I can tell you there's nothing weird about this super skinny, way-too-tan dude. It's LA!! If you're even 10 lbs over on the scale, they kick you out of this county and you have to live in Barstow until you pull your shit together! I was given and official written warning, so I have 3 days to lose 67 pounds.

HAHAHAAAAHAHAAAA! The oranges look like balls! That's why they're weird...

Is it me, or does this guys have boobs?

I think the only weird thing about his pic is that he's actually spending time with his kid.

That guy in the blue is obvs contemplating offing himself. Or thinking about "Gremlins 2: The New Batch". Either way, he's sad as shit!

This LA a-hole still has a flip phone! Weird!!

One word: Lady Gaga

Farmers. Only.

When I was in Georgia on our LA trip we stayed with a couple of friends in their cabin. This ad came on TV. It's for a dating site for Farmers Only. The tag was "City Folk Just Don't Get It". http://www.farmersonly.com/

It made me want to look into other super specific dating sights. Here's what I found! 1.http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/ Meet an inmate! Then you can be trapped just like they are!

2.http://www.gamingpassions.com/ Like to play games? Not emotionally of course, but with 20 sided dice? Here you go!

3.http://www.datemypet.com/ Do you love animals? No, seriously. Do you?

4.http://www.ourtime.com/ Listen, you've been through it. War, famine, the last supper. You want some guilt free, old person nookie! Get it here!

5.http://www.datingforhippies.com/ My mom would love this site.

6.http://www.sciconnect.com/ My dad would love this site.

7.http://www.singleartistdating.com/ My brother would love this site.

8.http://www.funnypassions.com/ My husband would be into this. I'm having it destroyed. Now.

9.http://www.lonelysoul.net/ This is a site for lonely people. But isn't that what the internet is for anyway? Oh well! Hey lonely! Get in there!

10.http://www.truckerpassions.com/ If you're on the road and want to wear someones cap with pride, this is your place!

No matter who you are or what you want to bone, there's a way to get it! Go find your someone people. God speed!

Man Stuff

My husband, Nick, and I just made a 3200 mile trip from New York to LA without a incident. We didn't fight, we didn't bitch at each other, we didn't gorge ourselves in junk food, we didn't pick up a hitchhiker and them murder them, we didn't get into any gambling or dog fighting rings, we didn't get drunk and get matching tattoos of 1985 Madonna on our tits. Nothing. We just drove and talked and learned about each other. My husband learned that when I was 20 I had to testify against an ex boyfriend in court. Interesting! I learned that my husband has a vast, VAST, EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE of truck stops. Which one of those things are weirder, I challenge you! My husband is handsome and educated. Funny and smart. How in Gods name did he come to know so much about trucker culture? He knew that they can shower there at these stops, and that sometimes there are places for them to nap and watch movies. That there are places where other truckers can meet up and mingle. There are trucker mixers. There are signals they send each other. He told me he once spent $50 dollars at a stop and that none of it was on gas, but truck stop stuff. What kind of stuff you ask? Well, magnets and apparel and wipes and beef...Trucker stuff! I'm not saying that the fact that my husband has knowledge of this stuff turns me off or that for a second I question his class, but am I worried that his mid life crisis might involve an 18 wheeler? You bet your sweet caboose on it.

LA (gagged and) Bound!

Oh man. Wow. Hmmmm. It's been...a while. I know, I know. I'm sorry! I've been super busy! With what you ask? Well, lotsa stuff. I'm MARRIED for one! Yeah, I know!Here's a pic of me on my wedding day with my brother Brody!

Don't I look nice? I was soooo drunk! Just kidding....sort of. I did a ton of shows as Delilah Dix. She crazy! Here's what she looks like now!

HAHA! Just kidding! That's me at my bachelorette party! Although they look very similar...Okay, here's Miss Dix!

That was her in her Ars Nova run called Delilah Dix-Americas Showgirl! It was amazing and fun and scary, but what a great show! I got to work with my team of Dix, Peter Michael Marino and Cody Owen Stine. One of my many, many requirements of working together is that my team needs three names, otherwise I don't trust them. I've had quite the year booking a few commercials and doing some great shows. Being a part of two PIT house improv teams and meeting some lovely life changing folks. But now...drum roll please! WE'RE MOVING TO LA! We're on a road trip making our way to Hollywood! Where I've heard you make it big! Or become a prostitute! Either way, I'm going. I'll actually keep up with this blog along the way with pics and quips, but for this sign up enjoy the picture of this adorable puppy.

xoxo, Amy "LA Bound" Cobb

Edinburgh!!

Hi folks,

Wow, it's been a long time, right?
I'm so sorry. Let me catch you up.
First of all, my last blog was about my 7 year relationship. I regret to inform you that that has since ended. He is a lovely man and I wish him the absolute best in life, because he deserves it.
Since then I have...put on a bunch of shows, gone back to India, met another man, put one a lot of other shows, and ended up here, in Edinburgh, where I write to you now. I'm in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with my show, Delilah Dix and her Bag of Tricks! Whhhheeeee!
It's so crazy here and alive and interersting and fun! My show starts a run on Saturday at Fingers Piano Bar. Scottish people refer to it as a dive, but it's gorgeous! Seriously, if the Scots think that place is gross, coming to some of my venues in New York must equal to having a hobo pee in their mouths. I love the place!

I had a run through today with Michael Brockman, a pianist I met two years ago at The LAFF fest in Austin. He's great! Prepared, funny, easy to work with.

I'm here as a solo show, but there are a ton of other great acts here, including my favorite sketch group of all time, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting. They are amazing! Look them up. Like, right now. Stop reading and google them. Then come back because I have abondonment issues.

I'll try to blog as much as possible. There are 2000 shows at this festival. 2000 shows?!! It's a crazy time here, but such a great oppurtunity.

I'm in Fringe Central right how, where they have wi-fi and a quiet place to type and relax, and sober up I would imagine. You get hammered here,like more than anything else. I have so much to sing in my show, I need to watch it a little, but I think they put extra vitamins in the beer here, so it's good for you.


I love you!

Amy

7

I recently celebrated my 7 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Yup, 7 years. For the most part they've been good years. And we did take a break in the middle, but I still consider those months as part of the 7 years.
So, ofcourse, because all humans think they all need to behave the same way and do all the same things, I was asked, after telling someone I was going on 7 years, why I wasn't engaged. My first respone, "Well, I'm just not that kind of girl!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Right? Am I right?!"
Okay, see, that's not okay. It's not true, and it's not okay. I may be that kind of girl, I just haven't expressed it yet. I mean, yes, the idea of actually planning a wedding seems about as fun as hiding in an attic to avoid the Nazis. And picking out a wedding dress, flowers, mood music, guests, napkins, plates, fish and locations is the thing I want to do right before I get my clitoris pierced and show my dad. They sound equally as fun.
One of my favorite questions I've gotten lately was:
"When is he going to shit or get off the pot?"
Really? That's such a scripted question, first of all, and secondly, that's a very aggressive sentence for something that's supposed to be a beautiful expression between two people. And let's take a moment to break that question down. Shit or get off the pot? Do people do that? Does that refer to someone who is really indecisive and is never sure if they have to have a bowel movement, but they like to give themselves a fair shot, so that get into the bathroom line at Starbucks, and sit and sit, until people are banging on the door, screaming, "Shit, or get off the pot!!"

Frankly, I don't want that question to affect my marital status at all. I don't want my boyfriend to hear this statement, go into immediate panic mode, which will lead to me coming home after a long day pouding the pavement. The lights are off, but a candle is flickering, there are rose petals spread around, a bottle of champagne on the table, he's in a suit, down on one knee and he says.
"Amy, I was recently presented with two choices. To either shit, or get off the pot. I have chosen the former, to shit. I want to shit with you for the rest of my life!" Ewwww.

Anyway,the point is, do I need to be subjected to the judgement that comes along with that question? No! Plus, why the f do you all care? I mean, do I show signs that I need someone to take care of me? When my BF calls, is his ring tone the wedding march, followed by someone crying? No. Do I dress up like a bride every Halloween and instead of trick or treating, I just assign you to my wedding party? No! Does the Japanese character tattoo I have on my butt actually mean "I do"? No. Well, I hope it doesn't. Honestly I was 18 when I got it and into taking E, so it's anybody's guess.

Maybe I need to start taking matters into my own hands? Because it's usually the married people who always ask me these questions, not the single people(who just may not ask because they're too sleepy from all the Zoloft they're on due to not being married themselves).
Maybe the next time a married person asks me why, after all this time, I'm not engaged, I can simply say:
"Hmm, that's a good question.I'll think about that. How about you? Are you EVER going to have a baby? Wow! When is he gonna knock you up or get off the pot? Why are you getting so upset? Oh, is it because you're baren? Yeah."

That seems like a good solution. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel better. Phew!
All I want to do now is get into my fort made out of Modern Bride and finish this uneaten wedding cake I took out of the dumpster of the local church. Later!

Fashionable

I was walking down 82nd and 1st today, making my way back to my apartment. There are two homeless dudes that are always hanging out on our block, but on either ends. One is always rocking the sweet streets of 82nd and 1st while the other is more wishy washy and changes sides from 82rd and 1st to 83rd and 2nd. He's a bad ass! He's very fashionable, always creating new and exciting things to wear from what he discovers in the neighborhood. Once I saw him wearing a pair of garbage jeans, some paper bag shoes and an awesome headband made from newspapers and orange peels! He's the jam!
Anyhoo, these guys are totally harmless. I mean come on, they're Upper East Side bums, they have etiquette!

So this particular evening I was coming from a disappointing audition and got me and the man of the house a bottle of wine. And when I say "man of the house", I mean my boyfriend, who really didn't get any wine because mama needed her makeitallokay juice. While crossing the street I see the fashionable-hobo kicking it on his corner. He never, ever says anything. Not to anyone but himself, that is. He's actually really great at doing voices and impressions. Once I caught him impersonating someone, maybe the mailman or a former President, all by himself, and he was really good! He's great at using different voices.
Anyway, I didn't think tonight would be any different. I glanced at him while walking past, and for the first time, he was looking back at me.
"Hi there. How are you tonight?" I asked, and smiled.
"I'm doing, okay miss, thank you" He answered.
"Thats good to hear. Have a good night"
"Um, miss? Would you be able to spare some change? I'm really hungry."
"Oh, um, sure. No problem."
I usually give money to homeless folks. It's a really unfortunate state to be in, and especially here in New York. The weather sucks and it's just a harsh place to be. I start to rifle through my purse and pull out a couple of singles.
"Here you go. Take care!" I feel cheery suddenly. Like the night wasn't a total waste.
The fashionable man looks me in the face. I take note that tonight he's clad in a holey sweater and on his left foot an Ugg, on his right, a Croc. Man, he's got taste!
"Thank you you fat ass!" He bellows. Then he laughs. And laughs. And laughs.
I'm stunned. Wait, is he allowed to do that? Can he call me a "fat ass" legally? I just gave that fucker a couple of singles! And he called me fat? Several come backs speed through my brain.
1.Well, at least I can afford to eat!
2. It's not fat, I'm very strong, especially in my thighs
3. Fuck you!

None of these things came out my mouth, instead I just stared in disbelief! And then, I...laughed! A lot! This guy just called me a fat ass! Beautiful! It was a very honest moment, and hilarious, so I'm glad it happened. No excuse me while I barf up my dinner so I feel whole again.

Goodnight!